Tag Archives: humour

5 Things People Assume About Bloggers

image

Here’s what I need you all to straight up know, right now. 

1.  They all reckon you’re a digital dominator

I’ve baffled so many people with my
very old, broken iPhone with no storage space, complete inability to sync shit
and utter confusion when talking about “The Cloud”. I’m a blogger, not Bill
Gates people. I am completely useless when it comes to tech – I still have a
physical day-planner and don’t read books on a Kindle. I kick it old school,
but mainly because I have some serious trust issues with computers.

image

 2. People think that you actually take yourself seriously

I hate telling people that I’m a blogger. It’s
the most obnoxious statement to pass my lips. Trust me, I know how hilarious it
all is, I laugh at myself on the daily. I’m just a regular human girl living a regular human girl life…

image

 3.  They decide that you must be overly self-confident

Yeah so what we take a few very posey pics
for “look posts”. I can promise it wasn’t without numerous moments of
self-hate, complete censorship, manic laughter and then the unadulterated freedom to
ensure that only the best 5 out of a disastrous 5671 snaps are posted.

image

4. People go to you for updates about all the coolest
new places 

Well, yes, maybe it’s my own fault because
I create this illusion that I know what’s hip-hop and happening with the young
folk. But truth be told, I’m not cool, I just happen to have very cool friends. They’re
the ones you should be asking about that sweet new bar in Umhlanga, I’ll only
find out about it 4 months later. I
mean, I’m still using Mean Girls gifs for god sakes!

image

 5. Ousiders definitely think you’re superficial and have like, no
personal privacy settings

Blogging is a hobby and just a way to keep
myself writing and snapping. I totes promzies that I see beyond posing in a new
skirt or decorating my flat. (Although that stuff is pretty fvcking fun.) And
yeah, I have quite an open sharing-is-caring policy about my life but my close friends all know that when it comes to the serious stuff, I am Fort Knox baby. At least for a full week. 

image

Things I need for a long weekend.

A comprehensive list of things to get before I head out with the homies for the upcoming long weekend to the Transkei.

image

1. A dramatic beach hat to rival anyone on the beaches of France

2. Enough mosquito repellant to use for myself as well as a genius bargaining tool with my camp-mates.

image

3. A tanned, toned bikini body, with washboard abs. And legs that could be mistaken for hotdogs.

image

4. A realistic realisation that point 3 (ibid) cannot be achieved before Saturday. Especially not while drinking craft beer at the drop of a dramatic beach hat.

5. Medicine for every problem I might face out in the middle of nowhere. There are no hospitals to drive this immune system-lacking pill-popper to! 

image

6. A book that looks challenging and impressive, to read while I try to achieve point 3 while wearing the item discussed in point 1.

7. My head around the fact that I will be ingesting mild narcotics and that I might get naked and run frantically into the wilderness as a result thereof.

image

8. Rescue tablets as part of said medical aid kit, so that I can relax while watching my boyfriend surf in one of the world’s most sharkiest stretches of coastline. 

9. Something to braai other than mushrooms. I can’t get drunk and eat meat. Again. 

image

10. A head to toe wax, a manicure and something tropical and classy(er) to drink like vodka and Appletizer. Out of a coconut or pineapple. 

Kanye West – Bound 2

My best friend hadn’t been able to watch the new music video for Ye, and innocently asked “What’s wrong with it?”

I tried to answer. But there is just too much to contemplate so I thought I’d break down the most uncomfortable 4:14 minutes of my life.

Everything wrong with the video for Bound 2:

1. These horses. What, is this a puzzle framed in a little girl’s bedroom?

2. It’s called Road Safety muffukas! Guys, seriously, no helmets? And Kanye, aren’t you like a bazillionaire? What’s cracking with that holy shirt, boy?

3. Kimmy where yo nipples at, gurl?

4. This face. This is not the face of a man gushing about his Baby Mama.This is the face of a man thinking “Bitch and her cray family ruined all my street cred!”

5. More confusing wardrobe choices and poor backgrounds. Are you packing a diaper in them drawers Yeezy?

6. Kim, I understand if you didn’t have time to put a shirt on today, but at least get your nails did for your music video debut. Shame though, I bet that was just Kanye dictating your style to you again, huh?

7. Get a room Kimye! Now’s not the time for yoga!

8. Take those boots back to Coyote Ugly. Gosh.

You can check out the full uncensored video here.

Might as well mute it because the music and lyrics don’t soften the blow of this Shakira “ Whenever, Wherever” remake.

Takes a genius to rhyme reputation with reputation.

Such is India

Please note that these are merely my observations of the weird and wonderful, whilst living and working in a very raw and very rural part of India. Naturally, being in a very foreign place, some things will seem odd and at times, humorous. It is by no means intended to stereotype or criticize  It is not propaganda, hindering social Darwinism or any other outlandish accusation you may make. It is simply honest.

Right, the nauseating diplomacy ends here.If you feel that you will get your knickers in a knot, then please go untie them with the rest of the over-sensitive politically correct, elsewhere.

1.Spitting – Every single second of the day I am confronted with the sounds and sights of people hocking-a-loogie.How a nation has so much phlegm, is beyond me. Spitting is done anywhere and at any time and it’s not the kind of cowboy tobacco spewing, either. I saw a shirt while I was here that said “ You can piss on the streets, but you cannot kiss on the streets- I am Indian”. This perfectly explained my sentiments about the acceptability of any sort of public ablutions, contrasted with the shame of bearing a shoulder or showing affection.

2.Odd obsession with gold- Young and old, male and female, all take the time to excitedly ask whether my jewelry is real gold or not. It can be a plastic looking piece of junk around my arm, and I get the same question. I suppose that many temples and statues are made solidly out of gold, and it is a very important thing in wedding ceremonies, so I can understand why it may be an unusually auspicious mineral around these parts. Just before I came to India, there was news of a local thief that would break in during the night, dressed only in his undies and covered in oil. This way he was not easy to spot in the dark night and would literally slip away when anyone tried to catch him. His only intent and mission was to steal gold jewelry.

3.Chai-  Tea here is drunk out of little glasses with no handles. Your fingerprints are scalded off almost instantly and the fact that we face temperatures of over 30 degrees, even in “winter”, doesn’t stop anyone from having a steaming cup of tea, several times a day. It is absolutely delicious, so rather understandable.

4.Muslim vs. Hindu and other religious differences– A touchy subject but a very real one. The village is rife with the conflict. My new SA friends staying in a little house just down the road from me, were stormed by a troop of angry Muslim men, shouting obscene profanities and threatening to burn their house down. Why were these girls locking themselves in the house and fearing for their lives? They had invited a guy in for tea, of course. Eventually the mob demanded 10 000 rupees to leave the girls alone and not harm them. A small price to pay for safety, but a rather large one to pay for the crime of  western hospitality. I was just so glad to have not gone and visited them that night. I don’t know if I would have recovered. There is sadly also no use in trying to get the police to help here, because in such an occasion the police would instinctively take the side of the males. Little or no protection for women is available.

5.Miscallaneous shoes – Everywhere you look, there is a misplaced shoe. Literally everywhere.In the gutter, on the street, in the bushes next to my front door. We have actually made a game out of counting these rogue shoes, every time we leave the house. It is customary to take your shoes off when entering any shop, temple or house. Perhaps people just often forget to put them back on upon exit?

6.The driving – My first experience in a car here in India, was a harrowing one. The same applies for all autos, buses, motorbikes and cars that I have since taken trips in. There is no order on the roads. Cars drive in any lane, with motorbikes and mopeds buzzing in between them. It is literally like the scene from Harry Potter in the night bus. Your bus in hurtling head first towards another bus and moments before possible impact, the bus jerks left and squeezes almost impossibly between a truck and a trailer of cows. You fear for your life as a foreigner. As for the rest ducking and diving in amongst the chaos, they remain totally unfazed and calm. No helmets are worn by those on scooters or bikes and a family of four can quite comfortably fit on a moped.

7. Hooting- On the topic of driving, Indian driver’s would be nothing without their hooters. Hooters are blown to say move, I am coming or even hello! Either way, it never, ever stops.

8.Dodging coconuts – More people die every year from falling coconuts, than shark attacks. It is a real fear I have to have here whilst walking around. Many a times a coconut has meteored down right in front of me and left a crater in the ground, as opposed to my head.

9.Jungle bats and chickens.

They are real. Wild chickens that roam in the jungle and bats, literally the size of those chickens (possibly a cross breed, I should look into that…)

10.Endless hospitality – Most of my nourishment comes from some one new, inviting me over for a feast. Whether I am just walking past their house or they met me at school, I am so often hauled into strangers’ houses for a never-ending supply of hospitality and food. We will sit on the floor with a banana leaf as a plate, surrounded by dishes of delicious local cuisine and a curious family. Some of my fondest memories involve these random, kindly invites from the locals.